Date:Tuesday December 18 2012
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Vital Chelsea news.
We are your hosts for tonight Merlin and Saber. Tonight we present to you a very special guest, the man who is the best Russian oligarch in the world, the man who has pumped in a billion dollars to make Chelsea a force to reckon with.
But what is he really like behind the scenes?
Let`s go to his yacht and find out!
We are now aboard Mr Abramovich`s biggest yacht. As most of you know Roman owns a large fleet of yachts commonly referred by the media as the 'The Roman Navy`.
Roman awaits us in the customized bar. (We walk in).
Merlin - 'Good morning Mr Abramovich'
Roman (to his guard) - Strrk prrk perkvich krrrk prrrk perkvich
The Guard (to merlin) - the boss says you look familiar Merlin. I`m not sure why but this is our first meeting.
The guard (to roman) - krrrk prrrk urrk meeetovich.
Roman- Aaaaaah! Welcome to my humble abode fellow Chelsea fans. Please take a seat. What can I get you to drink?
Merlin - No thanks Mr. Abramovich me missus won`t take it too well going home all drunk yeh know.
Roman - I insist. (Guard points gun at merlin)
Merlin - Single malt whiskey on the rocks
Roman - And you little punk, with the Brazilian looking face?
Saber - A beer would be just fine thanks.
Roman - Good. (Calls bartender) One single malt whiskey on the rocks, one large beer and one vodka martini, fired but not stirred.
Roman - So what brings you hear my friends.
Merlin - I`m merlin and this is saber and we....
Roman - How much?
Merlin - I`m sorry?
Roman - How much to buy you?
Merlin - But we are not for sale.
Roman - So I`ve to wait till January transfer window. Man with white hair can be manager, and Brazilian kid can be in team. I`m buying people with scary names - Hazard, Oscar, Moses, Cesar and now merlin and saber. (Laughs) Can you make Torres score?
Saber - Doubt anyone can
Roman - You are fired! (Bartender walks in) (Roman sips drink)
Roman - This vodka martini is not fired. bartender. You are fired! Yes now let`s start with this interview. Wait! Man with white hair and single raised eyebrow
Merlin - Me?
Roman - Yes! You! I fired you two seasons ago. Why are you still here?
Saber - Err this is Merlin. That was Carlo Ancelloti. They just look alike Mr Abramovich
Roman - I see. I fire him anyway.
Merlin - Why?
Roman - Because I`m in a fiery mood
Saber - Because we lost the World Cup?
Roman - Yes!
Merlin (grinning) - So big boss when is Benitez getting fired?
Roman - Soon. Soon. But first you are fired
(merlin stops grinning)
Merlin - Alright big boss, why did you sack Roberto Di Matteo after he won you the Holy Grail?
Roman - I was watching the Juventus game and it hit me, no bald manager loses a game by three goals. If you have no hair, you should be wise. Robbie was aching for a breaking. You don`t make Russian oligarch unhappy and if you do you deserve to undergo pain.
Saber - But he had no time!
Merlin - Time is for losers.
Roman - I had a bet with @mq a kid from your site as to who is better in FIFA manager 2012. I win. He had to sell his house, clothes, hair and other things but still not enough. Now I have to point out that if you beat @mq in FIFA manager 2012 then you are better than Di Matteo.
Merlin - What are your expectations on the new manager?
Roman - Do you think if he loses 2 more games I will not fire him? (Silence) No! And this time the pain will be physical. One day I`ll find a manager who can never lose.
Saber - What was your reaction when we won the Champions League?
Roman - I buy another one!
Merlin - Does it bother you that the fans did not like the decision?
Roman - I buy the decision and I buy like. If any fan is still unhappy I fire him.
Saber - Your ex-manager AVB takes pot shots at you on a weekly basis.
Roman - That is because he is a cry baby living in a post World War II ghetto called Tottenham.
Merlin - Will you buy Falcao?
Roman - His name sounds scary. So yes!
Saber - Then what about Torres?
Roman - Like Sheva. He can become my match-day buddy. Now my time is over. I have to play FIFA 13. You both are fired!
Date:Tuesday December 18 2012
Clubs Queuing Up for Bamford Loan (Tuesday July 22 2014)
Lampard Resentment? (Tuesday July 22 2014)
Not as Bad as we think... (Tuesday July 22 2014)
Taking advantage of our loan policies! (Tuesday July 22 2014)
Does anyone remember Florent Malouda? (Tuesday July 22 2014)
Don`t Do It Didier! (Tuesday July 22 2014)
Torres in Atletico Return? (Tuesday July 22 2014)
England Captain - Gary Cahill? (Tuesday July 22 2014)
Lewis Baker - The First Up? (Monday July 21 2014)
Omeruo Returning to Boro! (Monday July 21 2014)
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