Date:Tuesday December 18 2012
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Vital Chelsea news.
We are your hosts for tonight Merlin and Saber. Tonight we present to you a very special guest, the man who is the best Russian oligarch in the world, the man who has pumped in a billion dollars to make Chelsea a force to reckon with.
But what is he really like behind the scenes?
Let`s go to his yacht and find out!
We are now aboard Mr Abramovich`s biggest yacht. As most of you know Roman owns a large fleet of yachts commonly referred by the media as the 'The Roman Navy`.
Roman awaits us in the customized bar. (We walk in).
Merlin - 'Good morning Mr Abramovich'
Roman (to his guard) - Strrk prrk perkvich krrrk prrrk perkvich
The Guard (to merlin) - the boss says you look familiar Merlin. I`m not sure why but this is our first meeting.
The guard (to roman) - krrrk prrrk urrk meeetovich.
Roman- Aaaaaah! Welcome to my humble abode fellow Chelsea fans. Please take a seat. What can I get you to drink?
Merlin - No thanks Mr. Abramovich me missus won`t take it too well going home all drunk yeh know.
Roman - I insist. (Guard points gun at merlin)
Merlin - Single malt whiskey on the rocks
Roman - And you little punk, with the Brazilian looking face?
Saber - A beer would be just fine thanks.
Roman - Good. (Calls bartender) One single malt whiskey on the rocks, one large beer and one vodka martini, fired but not stirred.
Roman - So what brings you hear my friends.
Merlin - I`m merlin and this is saber and we....
Roman - How much?
Merlin - I`m sorry?
Roman - How much to buy you?
Merlin - But we are not for sale.
Roman - So I`ve to wait till January transfer window. Man with white hair can be manager, and Brazilian kid can be in team. I`m buying people with scary names - Hazard, Oscar, Moses, Cesar and now merlin and saber. (Laughs) Can you make Torres score?
Saber - Doubt anyone can
Roman - You are fired! (Bartender walks in) (Roman sips drink)
Roman - This vodka martini is not fired. bartender. You are fired! Yes now let`s start with this interview. Wait! Man with white hair and single raised eyebrow
Merlin - Me?
Roman - Yes! You! I fired you two seasons ago. Why are you still here?
Saber - Err this is Merlin. That was Carlo Ancelloti. They just look alike Mr Abramovich
Roman - I see. I fire him anyway.
Merlin - Why?
Roman - Because I`m in a fiery mood
Saber - Because we lost the World Cup?
Roman - Yes!
Merlin (grinning) - So big boss when is Benitez getting fired?
Roman - Soon. Soon. But first you are fired
(merlin stops grinning)
Merlin - Alright big boss, why did you sack Roberto Di Matteo after he won you the Holy Grail?
Roman - I was watching the Juventus game and it hit me, no bald manager loses a game by three goals. If you have no hair, you should be wise. Robbie was aching for a breaking. You don`t make Russian oligarch unhappy and if you do you deserve to undergo pain.
Saber - But he had no time!
Merlin - Time is for losers.
Roman - I had a bet with @mq a kid from your site as to who is better in FIFA manager 2012. I win. He had to sell his house, clothes, hair and other things but still not enough. Now I have to point out that if you beat @mq in FIFA manager 2012 then you are better than Di Matteo.
Merlin - What are your expectations on the new manager?
Roman - Do you think if he loses 2 more games I will not fire him? (Silence) No! And this time the pain will be physical. One day I`ll find a manager who can never lose.
Saber - What was your reaction when we won the Champions League?
Roman - I buy another one!
Merlin - Does it bother you that the fans did not like the decision?
Roman - I buy the decision and I buy like. If any fan is still unhappy I fire him.
Saber - Your ex-manager AVB takes pot shots at you on a weekly basis.
Roman - That is because he is a cry baby living in a post World War II ghetto called Tottenham.
Merlin - Will you buy Falcao?
Roman - His name sounds scary. So yes!
Saber - Then what about Torres?
Roman - Like Sheva. He can become my match-day buddy. Now my time is over. I have to play FIFA 13. You both are fired!
Date:Tuesday December 18 2012
Dortmund Hint at Chelsea Target Exit (Wednesday December 11 2013)
Goal Shy Strikers! (Wednesday December 11 2013)
Chelsea v Bucharest - Team News (Tuesday December 10 2013)
Benayoun Finally Secures Deal! (Tuesday December 10 2013)
The Lure of Uncle Sam! (Tuesday December 10 2013)
Name the Starting XI - Steau (h) (Tuesday December 10 2013)
Striking Problem could cost us the Title (Monday December 9 2013)
The Way Forward (Monday December 9 2013)
What a Statistic (Monday December 9 2013)
FA Cup 3rd Round - It`s Derby (a) (Sunday December 8 2013)
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