...I know it's a tad early...my fingers are already primed over the christmas lights switch...so here goes, the first Christmas story of 2012:

Three men died on Christmas eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season", St Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas in order to get into Heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "There, it's a candle!" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys, then jangling them together said,"They're bells!"
"You too may enter the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

Finally the Irishman stepped forward; desperately searching his pockets he finally pulled out a pair of panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised Ancellotti eyebrow and said,"and just what do those symbolize?"

and Paddy replied, "These are Carol's!"


...and so the Christmas season began!




Edited by mutters 28/11/2012 14:35

Four nuns set off on their bicycles in Rome to hear Christmas midnight mass at St Peters.

In order to avoid the infamous Roman traffic and night life they took all the little narrow back streets.

...when one leans across to another and says, "You know sister, I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones dear!"

I went to Waterstones book shop to do a bit of Christmas shopping.

I was particularly after a new book for a rather shy friend of mine.

So I went up to the counter and asked the youing female sales lady, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I cant remember the title."

She replied, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one!" I said, "I'll take a copy."

This Christmas I've decided to do most of my present buying from the comfort of home.

An Irish friend of mine came round with a mail order catalogue last week.
"Look at those gorgeous women in those beautiful dresses; the prices are reasonable too, I'm going to order one."


I met him this evening in the pub and asked him if it had turned up yet.

"No, mutters, but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes turned up yesterday morning."

There are certain things you can only say at Christmas:


'Smear the butter all over the breasts'


'Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist'


'If I dont undo my trousers I'll burst!'


'Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.'


'I'm so full...I've been goblin' nuts all morning!'


'Dont play with your meat.'


'How long will it take after you put it in?'


'I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!'



'Ive never seen such a spread!'


'I fancy a little dark meat for a change.'

I know who I'd like in my Christmas stocking!

what does mrs mutters haveto say about that?

... she says that as as long as it's for medical reasons it's OK! I can feel a groin strain coming on as I speak merlin....

Well as I seem to be the only person here celebrating Christmas this year, I might as well tell you about an incident I had last night.

Many of us have been known to have had some brushes with the authorities whilst on the way home from the occasional social 'session' during the Christmas season over the years!

Last night I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and a bottle of rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well that I would be well over the drink driving limit, I did something I've never done before, and took a cab home.
Sure enough I passed a police roadblock which waved me past as I was in a cab!
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise; as I've never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.




I'm sure mrs m will come up with something.......

How can Santa get a cheap kitchen cabinet down my chimney?

lol - HQ are working on our mystery spammers, they are doing my head in!

Santa Claus was not having a good day!

Three of his Elves were off sick and the trainees were not wrapping the presents fast enough.

Mrs Santa had just announced that her mother was coming for Christmas, which added to his stress.

Three of his reindeer were about to give birth, and two others had gone missing in the forest.

Whist starting to load the sleigh, a floorboard cracked, he lost his footing and a sack full of toys was scattererd everywhere.

So Santa went indoors for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum, but when he opened the cupboard discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration he dropped the jug of cider which smashed into smithereens on the stone floor, and when he went to get the broom found that the mice had eaten all the bristles.

Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa, irritated, marched to the door, yanked it open and there stood a little angel with a big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't it a beautiful day? I have a lovely tree for you, where shall I put it?"






...and there began the tradition of the little angel at the top of the tree.

I walked into a Jewish delicatessen this morning to buy a few nibbles for Christmas.

"Hey Moshe" I said, "have you got any nuts"?

"No, I have none mutters"

"Well ok then Moshe, have you got any dates?"

"Sorry mutters, but you know how it is...no nuts so no dates!"

Merry Christmas to you all!

and finally as we approach the new year, a quote of the year 2012...



'...And then God created the orgasm; so that women could moan even when they were happy!'